My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my being single is dangerous.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
