Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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