a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
