the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My bed smells like the plague
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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