I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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