i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
