Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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