I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
my mouth tastes like poor choices
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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