Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
