Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You just made me feel so damn special
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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