I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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