I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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