My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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