I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
