I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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