what day is it and did you see me today?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
