I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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