I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
