Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
