I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
