I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
