can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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