I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
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