Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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