Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
