do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
