I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
