Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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