My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Randomize
