when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You've changed since you got that strap on
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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