I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Of course I have a pirate flag
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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