He kissed a someone with a penis
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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