Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
