Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
