i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
