My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
