i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Welp...herpes.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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