i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
