I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
