wrigley field is MILF paradise
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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