i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
