what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
