Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
