I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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