were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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