PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
