I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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