I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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