So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
