Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
