I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
